THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all
of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes
makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This
handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find
themselves in such a dilemma.
TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances
of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical
assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and
which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
Java: After designing an elegant interface
that will allow everybody to shoot you in the foot you discover that the
network can not deliver the bullet at sufficient speeds.
PERL: You shoot yourself in the foot. Then,
when someone else comes along, you shoot them in the foot also. If they
complain you point out that it was actually they who pulled the trigger.
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe,
iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and
repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot
yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot
yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you
attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot
yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because
your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL: Using a COLT.45.HANDGUN, AIM gun at
LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN
return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage
which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which
holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds
the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want
to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax
doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a
water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to
have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it
that you won't care.
Visual C++: You think it was you who shot
your foot but the MFC has hidden the gun so well that you can't really be
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into
foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description
of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on
the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the
trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then
spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in
the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
$ rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in
somebody else's foot.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and
include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot.
Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself
in the foot, your users can, too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your
foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be
able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what
all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the
foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger,
and your foot.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually
accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Ruby (1): Matz pops out of nowhere, shoots you in the foot, and then bows handing you the gun. Forensic evidence finds only your fingerprints and no traces of an intruder or forced entry.
Ruby (2): You discover that simply having made the decision to shoot yourself in the foot has resulted in a gunshot wound.
Python: You shoot yourself in the foot at point blank range, but the bullet never fires due to white space in the next chamber.
Back to Freeform
Back to Web of Chivian